Moving is stressful—for everyone, regardless of the reason for the move. Moves due to job and financial loss, death or divorce, etc. may be even more stressful. Moving for school age children means new social circles and friends and for some children that means new anxieties. Psychologists Shannon Mitsuko, MD and John Magee, PhD of the Carolinas Healthcare System say that children take many cues from parents. That’s why it’s important to understand what you as a parent can do to help your child readjust and cope with the stress of moving to a new home.
Misuko and Magee say that it’s important to allow children to have their feelings rather than telling them how happy, sad or excited they are and then validate or affirm them during this time. With that in mind here are 5 tips on how you can ease the transition to a new home with your kids and cope with this life change.
1. Know your child and play to their needs.
Mitsuko and Magee say that knowing your child is key – there is no one size fits all advice. For example if you have an older child with an outgoing personality, you may want to have a going away party. However, that’s not the case for everyone. According to Mitsuko and Magee hosting a going away party is a nice way to say “aloha”, it’s not goodbye. But again, this is more of an adult way to handle transitions. They suggest that this may be a good approach if you have a teenager but for a school aged child it may just be too much pressure and added stress.
Also, involving your child in the process can be beneficial if they have a desire to be reassured and close. Mitsuko and Magee emphasize that the age and temperament of the child must be carefully considered so as not to overwhelm. Some children may enjoy unpacking the kitchen with a parent or having other, age-appropriate tasks that give them something to do.
2. Put your child first.
The experts say parents can ease the stress of moving by being in tune with their children’s needs, communicating and planning well for their social and academic wellbeing. Familiarity and routine go a long way in assisting children with change. Putting your child first is important mentally in order to help them cope with change and during the moving process as well.
Mitsuko and Magee suggest that before the move parents have each child pack a bag of favorites they cannot live without and keep that bag with the child. Having their favorite toys and belongs gives them a sense of comfort and helps make wherever they are feel like home. For young children, consider loading their room onto the van last so it may be unloaded and set up first.
3. Take care of yourself.
It’s easy for parents to focus entirely on their children and lose sight of themselves and that’s why Mitsuko and Magee say one of the most important things parents can do is take the time to take care of their own well being – both mental and physical. “Maintaining a positive attitude is reassuring to kids. Taking care of ourselves as parents: eating healthy, rest, etc, is necessary.” Taking care of yourself sets an example for your children and makes the transition easier on them. Neglecting yourself and your well being isn’t healthy for anyone.
4. Focus on the positive.
Focusing on the positive does not mean telling your child how to feel. Instead it means spending time together as a family and continuing to do things you and your children love. Visit your new neighborhood together and spend the day at a nice park nearby or catch a movie at the local theater. If you’re moving to another state or significantly farther, do research online together. Look up pictures, lists fun things nearby and learn about your new home together. Moving can mean opportunities to try new things.
Another way to focus on the positive is to search out activities and groups you enjoyed before. If the family was involved with religious or civic groups before the move, seek to become involved in similar groups in the new place. Encourage your kids to become involved in a sports team or other activity (playing to their strengths and interests), as this can help supply some new peers and opportunities for new relationships.
5. Timing is everything.
Making a big move any age can be sensitive to a child who does not take change well. In most ages a change going into middle school or high school is very stress so if possible, timing the move to correspond with natural breaks in the school year – end of semester, or even better, end of school year – is more desirable. Moving immediately following a divorce or death is less desirable, as it means further loss (es).
A move during high school, especially junior or senior year is likely the most difficult. If a move must be made during the school year, Mitsuko and Magee advise parents to consider the pros and cons of allowing the high school child to remain with a family friend or relative until the end of the school year.